She Thought I Was the Killer. I Just Wanted Sushi

Why Nervous System Regulation Is the Real Green Flag in Dating

There I was, just trying to line up a chill date. You know—walk, talk, maybe throw an axe or two. Harmless fun.

Her reply?

“Early on I tend to avoid access to weapons or walks alone in the woods with men I don’t know.”

Now… I get it. The world is a hot mess. But I read that, blinked, and thought, Well, there go my plans to grab some sushi and enjoy the spring air.

And I had to wonder: since silverware are technically weapons too, what was I to do—suggest a smoothie and a group Zoom call?

To be clear, she wasn’t being rude—just cautious. Like many women I’ve met lately, she was navigating the dating world through a lens shaped by trauma, true crime podcasts, and whatever docuseries is currently yelling “Men are dangerous!” into the void.

And I don’t blame her.

There’s a quote that always lands:

“A woman’s greatest fear is that a man will kill her.
A man’s greatest fear is that a woman will laugh at him.”

Both are deaths in their own right. One literal, one existential.

Women have to be careful. Men have to risk rejection. And neither of us is coming out of this totally unscathed. But here's where things get messy: our nervous systems are showing up to dates before we do. And they’re bringing all their baggage.

The Nervous System Doesn’t Lie—But It Can Be a Drama Queen

Your nervous system is like your body’s bouncer. It scans the environment for safety or threat constantly, a process called neuroception. It’s fast, it’s unconscious, and it doesn’t wait for logic. So if someone has trained their system to expect danger, that’s what they’ll see—even when danger’s not there.

And true crime podcasts? They’re basically CrossFit for fear responses.

Watch enough serial killer docs and suddenly every seemingly normal guy looks like he might stuff you in a van. (Which is unfair. Most of us are just trying to enjoy life, find a connection, or at the very least, have good conversation with a lovely woman.)

But fear doesn’t belong to just one gender.

I went on a date once where a woman asked my zodiac sign—cool, whatever. Then she leaned in even closer and said, “Are you bipolar?”
I blinked.
She whispered, “Because I am.”
I took a slow breath and genuinely pondered whether she wanted to turn me into a lampshade. It’s the only time I’ve ever scoped out the back door on a date.

Fear shows up differently, but it lives in all of us. If we don’t know how to regulate it, it runs the show. Connection becomes caution. Curiosity gets replaced by scanning for danger. And two people who might’ve just been weird in good ways never even get the chance.

Familiar Chaos: When Calm Feels Unsafe

Here’s the kicker: sometimes our nervous system isn’t actually looking for safety—it’s looking for what it knows.

If you grew up in an environment where love was unpredictable, conditional, or chaotic, your body might’ve wired itself to associate stress with intimacy. So when someone shows up steady, grounded, and emotionally available? It doesn’t feel good. It feels suspicious.

Calm isn’t familiar. Chaos is.

And so we unconsciously push away the people who feel safe—and chase the ones who feel like home… even if “home” felt like walking on eggshells.

This is why regulation matters. Not just so you can feel good—but so you can recognize good when it’s in front of you.

Empath Problems: I Can Feel You Not Feeling Safe

Now, let me add my own twist to this stew—I’m an empath. Or to put it another way: I can sense what someone’s feeling and I feel it in stereo. So when I’m sitting across from someone whose nervous system is on DEFCON 1, my body picks it up. My chest tightens. My stomach drops. I start wondering if I did something wrong—even if all I said was, “Hi, I like hiking.”

Suddenly the date turns into emotional Jenga.

This is why I’ve learned that self-regulation isn’t just a self-help buzzword—it’s a dating skill. If I can’t calm my own nervous system, I’ll get yanked into yours. And if you can’t calm yours, you’ll project it onto me. Before you know it, two people who could’ve had something beautiful are busy decoding each other’s threat signals instead of ordering appetizers.

Somatic Literacy: Your New Relationship Superpower

Here’s the thing: emotional intelligence is great, but somatic literacy is next-level.

It’s the ability to notice, “My body is tight… am I actually in danger, or just afraid of being vulnerable?”
It’s knowing the difference between intuition and hypervigilance.
It’s realizing you might be guarded not because something feels off, but because you’ve never known what safety actually feels like in your body.

This goes for both men and women.

If you don’t know how to regulate your own nervous system, you’ll ask someone else to do it for you. And that’s when things get dicey—because now the date becomes less about connection and more about emotional babysitting.

Final Thought: Train for Discernment, Not Doom

We’ve got to stop training our nervous systems to expect danger without ever offering them a resolution.
Watch your true crime if you want—but take a walk afterward. Breathe. Touch grass. Hug a dude (maybe not the first date, but eventually).

Because this world is already tense enough without projecting that tension into every new connection.

And to the men like me who feel everything? Keep your heart open and your feet on the ground. Get to know your own body. Learn what safety feels like inside—so you’re not just reacting to hers.

At the end of the day, connection doesn’t come from perfection—it comes from co-regulation. From two people who can hold their own inner experience without turning the other into the villain or the savior.

So yeah… I passed on that date. Not because I was offended—but because I’ve stopped trying to soothe nervous systems that don’t want peace.
I want love that exhales. I want presence without panic.
And I’ll keep showing up—nervous system regulated, chopsticks ready.

Breathe well, live fully,

Matt